on faith

Do you know what will you feel if someone loves you very much ?

If you think  about it , actually you will feel nothing

But what will you feel if you think that someone loves you very much, even if it is not true?

It will really bring a lot of changes in your life.

The same thing applied; what do you think will happen if the God we believe in is not real God? Actually nothing will happen, it doesn’t matter. The world will go on as it is. On the other hand ,  what will happen if He is really God? Nothing will happen as well.

But what will happen if you believe that He is God?

It will bring a lot of changes in your life.

It is some kind of belief that will give people a reason to live , and a hope when they have nothing else in their life.

That is why when people ask me whether I really believe in my religion. I told them that I do, and maybe… just maybe, I don’t care. I have lived years believing that He is the ultimate truth. I get used to all the prayer, hope and encouragement.And I really don’t know how to live without them.

Amazingly ,  all the beautiful things in my life happen because of my faith in Him. So even if the religion is putting some deceptions on me, I will just swallow them all. It’s like believing that my mom loves me and that yours love you whatever happen. We could never be able to tell if it’s true. But I assume that she does, and actually the assumption saves me from doing a lot of stupid things.

Our belief, not the truth, is actually the one shaping our life.

As for me, I believe that my faith in my God makes my life better. So I choose to hold on to it. Even though some parts of it are really goes against my conscience , I stick with the core faith.

Well in the end a lot of things don’t really matter. It is our beliefs that shape our world.

So I just choose wisely what I believe in.

Counting Down on Life.

When I was a little kid , I used to think that I were special ,
and my presence in life is significant.

Many kids believe that they are going to be super heroes who saved the earth.
Then they grew up and learn that they can’t even do their own math papers.

When I turn 22 , I stop believing that I am special.
Ever since , waking up every morning is like counting down to death.
I keep on counting and waiting, watching my days pass by .

And another day goes by , and another ,

And life goes on as it is.
Empty and Sad.

Until one day I get tired and counting and decided that I should do things ,
just so that time will pass by faster.
Maybe I can do something interesting while waiting.
Maybe I can go and make the waiting place a little better.
So I start to learn to  enjoy myself while counting down.

Everything in life is just an illusion . Things that we do while waiting and counting down.

The only truth in life , sadly , is death.

And only when we realize that, we could learn to treasure our only real possession : the continuation of a psychological state.

OUR SOUL.

My baby is kissing me !

If you are going through hell,

Keep going

-Winston Churchill -

I am going to be an aunt!

My sister is going to become a mother soon !

Lalalaaa….

when all my life is falling apart

I am worried about my exam , I know for sure that I will screw up this semester, and job market is really bad this time. And since I was busy working and handling my depression, I have no time to study and do my final year project. … so in conclusion, I think I do nothing this whole semester… What am I going to do after graduation? I need a lot of money , and even more now since I have a dog. And after graduation, I can’t keep on relying on my parents money.

For the first time of my life I am really worried about my financial condition all the time. And I feel like I have no back up plan at all. I can’t seem to concentrate very well on my study, yet I am worried , will I fail this sem? What is going to happen if I fail any subject? I might not be able to graduate second upper.

These thoughts make me really frustated. haizzz…. maybe I should just ask someone else to take care of Abbie and kill myself.

My Personality Type

Life is good , Life is bad

An austrian philosopher once said that
words become meaningful because our brain associates the word to another word, or image , or shape.

Likewise, many things in life become meaningful because we associates other things to it.

They said that human brain creates association like pathway ,
and as time goes by , the pathway that is frequently used will be more accessible,
and the pathway that is never been used will extinct.

When we are born , we don’t associate things with good and bad.
Everything in life is just thing , and event.

Like my puppy abbie. She doesn’t think that biting newspaper is bad,
biting bone is good, biting mommy hands is a terrible mistake.
she doesn’t know that mommy is hurt when she is bleeding or crying,
and mommy is happy when laughing and hugging abbie.

As times goes by , I create association in her brain by repeating the same word.
“Good Girl” as a sign of approval , and “Bad Girl” as a sign of disagreement.
then she learn to associates her activities with the my value and rule.

Think about it.

Who taught us that university is good , smoking is bad?
church is good , and casino is bad?
slim is good and fat is bad?
Who taught us to create association?
Who taught us who is smart , who is kind , who is beautiful , who is rich?
Who creates those association in our brain?

Have you ever wonder why people who hang out together tend to behave in similar manner?
Do you really believe that there is ultimate truth in life?
Do you really think bad people are bad and good people are good?
How do we come to associate adjectives ,words that are very abstract, with so many things in life?
How do we come to judge people using that adjective?

Whose rule and values are there in our mind at all time , telling us what to do and what not to do?

We are told to see what we see now, to live the life we live now ,to think the way we think now.

But what , who ,why , is the meaning of all this words and associations?

What is even the meaning of what?

Starry Starry Night (Vincent) -Don McLean

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer’s day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they’ll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue.

Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they’ll listen now.
For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.

And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget.

Like the strangers that you’ve met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they’re not listening still.
Perhaps they never will…

Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh

Lonely Lonely you and me

Everyone wants to be special,
at least they need to believe that they are special.

That is why we go to work,
and we strive so hard to get good grades,
good money , good appearance.

But then… at the end, people are just people. Nothing.Dust.Illusion.

That is why , people like you and me who are frustrated with the reality life and disappointment turn into anything.
God. Philanthropic action. Philosophical Thoughts.
Love. Dream . Anime. Games. Drama. Wealth. Friendship.

Everyone wants to feel special.
Everyone wants to have the belief that at least a little part of the world is going to miss him when he is gone.

But without me and you , the sun will still be shining bright and the rain will still be pouring.
People  singing , falling in love , talking about hope , they will be there walking in front of an old building talking about life and death. Everything remains.
Where does all the soul go after now?

No one cares about our existence. Not you , me , anyone. Not even God.

Everything is an illusion.
A cup of coffee , a dog , a love that last for a brief period, harsh life to face, an empty room.

I am only a lonely soul consist of thousand and thousand of integrated thoughts.

And world goes on without me.