Despite the fact that I feel very thankful for those sending me birthday wishes and all the stuffs to brighten my day,
this day really makes me think.
So it has been 23 years and I am suppose to be mature and settled by now.
Yet I am still wandering around , thinking about what to do and how to live tomorrow.
My sister once said that happiness is a privilege ,
I guess what I have never noticed is the fact that maybe the privilege is not mine.
I always wonder if there will be one day when my soul finally find its peaceful place to rest ,
and I stop wondering if I should walk a little further , or fight a little harder.
I wonder if there is something in my past that cause me to deprive.
Or is it something that I need yet to fulfill?
Is it true that everybody has their own path in life? Had I taken the wrong path and
lost in the place I don’t belong?
Maybe.
Or maybe I need to learn to appreciate what I have in life and ease my own restless soul?
I wish that one day I will find my happiness and a place I can call home; and you too… happiness for you and your loved ones. Amen.
I’ve been thinking
I’ve been thinking I’ve been thinking too much
I just want to live now for a little while
And cast my dreams to the wind
Don’t wanna wonder
Don’t wanna wonder what it’s all about
I’m just working for a living singing with my friends
As I cast my dreams to the wind
Maryland, I’m coming home
Never worry about what I did wrong
And that I’ll never be what my daddy wanted me to be
And I’ll never see what my mama’s dreams were
But I will sing
La la la la la la la la…
I wanna fly
I wanna fly down the highway to my home away from home
This funky funky club on Fairfax Avenue to see you
I’ll never give up
Because what is there to give up anyway
I’m just working for a living working for my pay
In Maryland it’s raining somewhere in some cafe
Maryland, I’m coming home
Never worry about what I did wrong
And that I’ll never be what my daddy wanted me to be
And I’ll never see what my mama’s dreams were
But I can sing
La la la la la la la la…
This is a real story
Once there was a popular girl who was in a relationship with a guy.
The guy , who deeply loved the girl , paid for her study ,
living ,and provided everything she needed.
He worked very hard days and nights to afford her lavish lifestyle.
After years an years of being together,
the girl managed to get her bachelor and master degree.
The guy , on the other hand , due to the fact that he was always busy earning money ,
was only a high school graduate.
When it comes to marriage , the girl’s family refused to accept the guy.
He was just an uneducated young man.
and the girl , at that point, was a highly educated successful career woman.
The girl was torn between her parents and her lover,
and she become worried about her future,
how can a girl like her afford to live without her lavish lifestyle?
After years and years of uncertainty
she decided to marry a doctor .
Of course.. that was the most respectable occupation.
The guy was broken-hearted,
but life went on.
Years passed them by.
She had two children. And so did he.
They lived a good life.
Yet I wonder if there was even any slight regret.
I wonder if there were time that they looked back and said
“if only…”
I wonder if this sentence cross the mind of those ex-lovers.
I wonder what makes two people decided to unite and stick together.
I wonder of any , among all the people in the crowd ,
a single soul longing for his unrequited love.
Not everyone has a happy ending.
I always wonder where is mine , and where is yours,
and where are theirs?
Is it this?
Are there more?
one night , I dreamt that I was Hatsumi.
at that point of time, I feel that I could understand why she reached a stage
that drive her to the end her life.
I wonder if one day i could ever reached that stage.
Maybe not…
I hope not.
Life can be harsh sometimes , but to come home after a hard day’s work
and meet an excited pet , a loving boyfriend and family,
and extraordinary supportive friends
really made my life content.
I have all I need in life.
Lucky and blessed . 
“Due to overwhelming response ,
We are sorry to inform you that you have not been shortlisted….”
Overwhelming , yeah right.
I like the word shortlisted, though.
It’s like :
“Its not that you are not qualified , but since the list is so short ,
so we are unable to fit in your name to it.
Specially since there are people who are already in the list. ”
To be honest , after receiving many letters with similar intention ,
I have stop having the “rejected feeling” after reading the letters.
and I have to tell you that I am proud of my persistent optimism;
well I still get a little excited while checking my mailbox and e-mails ,
thinking that i might get a good news someday someway .
A job offer , a love letter , a letter of appreciation , anything.
Of course in reality my mailbox is always filled with overdue bill, rejection letters,
and people telling me to do work ( and fix my work) .
well, At least they said they are sorry to inform me,
I do hope that makes me feel a little better.
blame the economics recession!
the things that I hate about doing school project is the fact that I know for sure
after demonstration , report hand-in and grading ,
my project will end up in a rubbish bin
And my hours and hours of effort won’t affect anyone in anyway.
That can be frustrating sometimes.
How I wished I could sell my final project…
Once , there was a needy man who come to our house to borrow money from my dad.
To his surprise , the poor man behaved in such a prideful manner that was offensive to my dad.
My dad refused to help and asked him to leave.
The night after his visit , I talked to my dad.
My dad said
“At first , I wonder why he is so prideful.
As a man is in need , he should come in humility.
But then I realized , when you have enough quality to be proud of,
you will not need your pride for people to respect you.
as for him, his pride is all he has.”
My dad lent him money.
The zen master said ,”Drop everything!”
the pupil argued ” But master, I have nothing”.
the master replied , “Then drop your nothing!”
I remember during my high school I decided to take a drawing class.
On my first day , to my surprise ,all my class mates are primary school and kindergarten students .
And since they had been there for a long time , they were certainly better than me.
I was so embarrased and decided to quit.
But when I walk out of the door , my teacher said
“You can walk out the door because you are embarrased ,
or you can handle your own feeling and come back to learn.
The moment you decided to retreat .. you will learn nothing . Your own insecurity and pride defeated your passion to learn.
On the other hand , if you challange yourself and come back , not only you’ll learn how to draw , but you will also learn how to defeat yourself ,be humble,
and learn from others who are most unlikely to teach you.
It’s really up to you.”
I come back the next week , and take up the course for almost one year.
And I get uset to asking the primary school kids to teach me how to sketch and use oil colors.
How many times in our lifes our insecurity and pride defeated us in taking up opportunity and doing the right thing?
I remember on one day , I was sitting in a couch , crying while talking to my counselor.
I told her that it is very difficult for me to deal with insecurity,
I always feel threatened by everyone around me.
Many times I ask myself , am I better than them?
If the answer is no, the feeling of insecurity will creep through my heart ,
and turn it bitter. For me , the whole world seems like a competition stage.
I wanted to change and be able to walk down the street
and stop seeing others as competitors.
I wanted to establish an identity which can not be taken.
I promise myself that someday I will be able to stand up on my own ,
and irregardless or what other people think of me ,
or my superficial qualities , I know I am content and loved.
Here what she said to me:
“Well people do feel insecure sometimes..
I do feel insecure about my life in times. I look at my friends and think that they might be earning more money than me.
But after a while , I remind myself that I am feeling insecure and try to chase away the insecurity.
Many times when we see only the small picture , we tend to place ourselves in certain level . And it makes us prone to insecurity because there will always be people at the higher level.
But what we need to know is that social level emerge due to our contribution to it.
Each and every one of us play a role and contribute to the way the world is today.
If you are able to see yourself as a part of a bigger picture ,
you will be able to play your part willingly . Even though sometimes
your part require giving up your ego for bigger purpose.”
Let us play our part in society and do what it takes.
I am content and loved.
