A personal diary of random thoughts and feelings

I once called my mother and complained about living alone ,
I said that I haven’t been eating well , or living well ,
and my house is in a mess.

I used to live in a house with several people to clean up the house and my room. When I arrived in Singapore , I didn’t know how to sweep or mop the floor.
As much as I know that I learned a great deal of stuffs by living alone ,
I have to say that I miss the time when life is easy… when i could pass school without studying ,
when I don’t have to worry about the future , and when I believe that I was special and one day I might make the world a better place.

So much about optimism.

Nowadays I glanced through my messy small flat ,
a pile of rejection letters , messages in my phone ,  and my face in the mirror.
I wonder what have turned a person with so much enthusiasm into a person who does not like anything about her life , not even her hair.

I wonder if other people share the same feelings : “I want to save the world but I can barely pass my mathematics paper. ”

i used to be very passionate about life , my feelings towards thing used to be very.. intense.
But the fluctuations of my moods are getting lesser and lesser as I grew up. Up to the point that life seems pretty.. bland.  Nothing can make me really sad and depressed , but nothing can make me really happy either.
Is it a good thing?
Maybe, maybe not.

I don’t have many friends . I always wonder why.
I used to think that I have quite a number, but now I realized that very few of the people I know actually stick with me.
In fact , almost none.
I wonder if it happens to everybody ; people come and go and very few actually stays.

I remember in one book I read , a lawyer told an orphan child “It must be very tough of you , living alone.”

The orphan child replied, “Funny that you think that way. Everyone , in fact , is alone.”

One of the main Buddhist teaching is the acceptance of the ultimate loneliness. Because at the end everybody has to deal with their own internal conflict. I thought knowing that could help me a little. Yet these days the loneliness seem to attack me even when I am not suppose to be lonely . Somehow it always seems like I am always out of place.

Sometime I wonder if it was my life in Singapore that has changed me, my perception of life and killed my optimism.

Despite the fact that I learned a lot in NTU ,
I had to say … that coming to Singapore is one of the biggest regret in my life.

How I wish I could still sitting in my high school with limitless possibility , trying to choose the path and the environment to shape my identity. Maybe I could turn out into something else .
Now that it’s over…. I could only encourage myself.

Everything that happened , happened for a reason.

I do hope that it’s true.

I failed my exam!

WOW  for the first time in my life I failed an Exam!
Now this is funny
hahahaaaaa…..

I think I am …..

I think I am depressed again…

Well practically  depression is a state where a person keeps on having suicidal thoughts and constant low mood , even without anything trigerring it.
She said it was genetically inherrited and triggered by unsolved mental wounds. ( sounds dramatic huh?)
Oh well… I don’t really have any mental wounds except that fact that people used to tease me the ugly fatso who blabbers a lot.
But it’s okay to be plump huh? Real women have curves ya?
And I consider blabbering as communication skills .

I have been out for a while , and now thanks the occurrences of too many unpleasant surprises and changes  , I had to say.. It’s back again!

But I remember the counsellor asked
“Why do you think you get depressed ?”
I sobbed and answered “I don’t know ….. maybe I eat too many fish?”
She said ” No I don’t think so , why do you said so ?”
I said ” I found that if I eat too many fillet o’ fish, I will have low mood the following week, is that related?”

It was not because of the fish , she said ; but food , sleep, and exercise does affect depression.
Not enough grain consumption and physical activities could be harmful…

Oh well , at least now I know exactly how to handle the stupid thoughts and insecurity.

My fridge is full of bread, cheese and fruits.
My jogging shoes are ready.
And a dog is always better than Prozac.

So if next time I get another depression blow , I’ll get a Golden Retriever.
or a Poodle.

Or maybe I just mate Abbie

People can be this stupid….

Me and my dad was in the doctor room…
Dad          : so I can not go anywhere near a baby is it?
Doctor     : yes , you have a grandchild?
Dad         : not yet , but my daughter is expecting.
Doctor     : Really ? Which daughter?
Me           : (offended ) Obviously it’s my sister!
Doctor    : Oh of course, not that I am saying that you look pregnant …

On the taxi
Taxi Driver    : I used to live in the place you guys live!
Me                 : Really??
TAxi Driver    : Yes , the police used to live there!
Dad               : Then why did they moved out and rent out this place?
Taxi Driver    : Because the polices are rich now! Only poor people live in that kind of place!

My sister is 8 months pregnant When she met our old friend
Our friend    : oh Vina , meet my girlfriend…
My sister      : Oh ya , meet my husband..
Our friend    : ( shocked ) YOU ARE MARRIED??
My sister      : OF COURSE! I am pregnant!
Our friend    : Oh yea right.

The gay guy and the Love of My life.

as I am listening to this song ” Love of My life” by one of

British legendary band “Queen”,

it occurred to me that this song is actually written by a gay guy.

I start to wonder if the romantic love between gay couples is the same form as the straight relationships.

If so, then the people who are praising and making such a sweet image of romantic boy and girl relationship should not reject gay people.

Well people in the past might mate to reproduce.

But people nowadays are not like animal.

None of us get married to multiply and fill the earth with our offsprings.

We are looking for a soul mate, someone we can share our life with.

Someone we can communicate, connect, and share our vision with.

For some people, the one and only soul who can connect and understand them are from the same gender.

If love is about heart and soul, then I am 100% supportive about homosexual relationship.

Just an opinion. What do you guys think?

:”D

Tired…

I wonder if one day my life could be a little bit easier
and I can stop thinking and worrying so much.
i just want to have a night where I can sleep tight without
all this anxiousness.
But life is a never ending battle that gets harder each day.

Sometimes I wonder if other people live easier lifes.
If not , how can they stand up and just go on through all these blows?

TIRED TIRED TIRED.

I am really physically and mentally exhausted with my life.

HELP!

Ok, my dog has been behaving really strange , she hugs my leg every time I walk ,
scratches my leg and bites my toes whenever I am ignoring her ,
climbs to my bed and sleep beside me even though it’s hot like hell,
and worst of all , CRIES very loud whenever I am not around
( like when she is in the living room and I am in the kitchen or bedroom ),
even though it’s only half a meter away.

I really hate her behaving like some attention thirst bitch.
Specially since she bites and scratches  A LOT and its painful.
I scolded her , put her in the cage ,ignore her , push her away and put her on leash ,
but this naggy behavior does not stop.
I take her for a walk almost everyday, so it is not like I am not spending enough time with her.
She still listens to command like sit , no , stay , come , get the ball , drop , etc.

It seems like she has turned from an obedient loving dog into a spoiled monster.

What should I do ???

A career woman as a mother..

My mom only stay at home and cook if either me , my sister or my dad is sick.

I used to say loudly that I am proud of her for being a female entrepreneur and a leader…
She has always had a very high social hierarchy , even as compare to the men.

Being brought up in this condition,  I can’t help to have this negative perspective about women who stay at home or
work as their husbands’ helpers.

Yet , I have to admit that its kinda nice to see her cleaning the house , cook , iron my dad’s clothes
and massage him.
I start to wonder what will our family be right now if my mom had given up her job 20 years ago ,
and spend more time to actually do the housework and help my dad.

Maybe it is worthed not to earn money and gave up her dream or even have lower social hierarchy as long as she spend
enough time of her life with him and us in her life.

Maybe it is better for ladies to be a mother and homemaker than a cash-maker.

After all , as my sister said  “People earn money to live, not live to earn money”.