I once called my mother and complained about living alone ,
I said that I haven’t been eating well , or living well ,
and my house is in a mess.
I used to live in a house with several people to clean up the house and my room. When I arrived in Singapore , I didn’t know how to sweep or mop the floor.
As much as I know that I learned a great deal of stuffs by living alone ,
I have to say that I miss the time when life is easy… when i could pass school without studying ,
when I don’t have to worry about the future , and when I believe that I was special and one day I might make the world a better place.
So much about optimism.
Nowadays I glanced through my messy small flat ,
a pile of rejection letters , messages in my phone , and my face in the mirror.
I wonder what have turned a person with so much enthusiasm into a person who does not like anything about her life , not even her hair.
I wonder if other people share the same feelings : “I want to save the world but I can barely pass my mathematics paper. ”
i used to be very passionate about life , my feelings towards thing used to be very.. intense.
But the fluctuations of my moods are getting lesser and lesser as I grew up. Up to the point that life seems pretty.. bland. Nothing can make me really sad and depressed , but nothing can make me really happy either.
Is it a good thing?
Maybe, maybe not.
I don’t have many friends . I always wonder why.
I used to think that I have quite a number, but now I realized that very few of the people I know actually stick with me.
In fact , almost none.
I wonder if it happens to everybody ; people come and go and very few actually stays.
I remember in one book I read , a lawyer told an orphan child “It must be very tough of you , living alone.”
The orphan child replied, “Funny that you think that way. Everyone , in fact , is alone.”
One of the main Buddhist teaching is the acceptance of the ultimate loneliness. Because at the end everybody has to deal with their own internal conflict. I thought knowing that could help me a little. Yet these days the loneliness seem to attack me even when I am not suppose to be lonely . Somehow it always seems like I am always out of place.
Sometime I wonder if it was my life in Singapore that has changed me, my perception of life and killed my optimism.
Despite the fact that I learned a lot in NTU ,
I had to say … that coming to Singapore is one of the biggest regret in my life.
How I wish I could still sitting in my high school with limitless possibility , trying to choose the path and the environment to shape my identity. Maybe I could turn out into something else .
Now that it’s over…. I could only encourage myself.
Everything that happened , happened for a reason.
I do hope that it’s true.
