A bad dream

one night , I dreamt that I was Hatsumi.
at that point of time, I feel that I could understand why she reached a stage
that drive her to the end her life.

I wonder if one day i could ever reached that stage.
Maybe not…
I hope not.

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!

Life can be harsh sometimes , but to come home after a hard day’s work
and meet an excited pet , a loving boyfriend and family,
and extraordinary supportive friends
really made my life content.

I have all I need in life.
Lucky and blessed .

On rejection

“Due to overwhelming response ,
We are sorry to inform you that you have not been shortlisted….”

Overwhelming , yeah right.

I like the word shortlisted, though.
It’s like :
“Its not that you are not qualified , but since the list is so short ,
so we are unable to fit in your name to it.
Specially since there are people who are already in the list. ”

To be honest , after receiving many letters with similar intention ,
I have stop having the “rejected feeling” after reading the letters.
and I have to tell you that I am proud of my persistent optimism;
well I still get a little excited while checking my mailbox and e-mails ,
thinking that i might get a good news someday someway .
A job offer , a love letter , a letter of appreciation , anything.

Of course in reality my mailbox is always filled with overdue bill,  rejection letters,
and people telling me to do work ( and fix my work) .

well, At least they said they are sorry to inform me,
I do hope that makes me feel a little better.

blame the economics recession!

Why I hate doing school project.

the things that I hate about doing school project is the fact that I know for sure
after demonstration , report hand-in and grading ,
my project will end up in a rubbish bin
And my hours and hours of effort won’t affect anyone in anyway.

That can be frustrating sometimes.

How I wished I could sell my final project…

Drop your Nothing!

Once , there was a needy man who come to our house to borrow money from my dad.
To his surprise , the poor man behaved in such a prideful manner that was offensive to my dad.
My dad refused to help and asked him to leave.
The night after his visit , I talked to my dad.

My dad said
“At first , I wonder why he is so prideful.
As a man is in need , he should come in humility.
But then I realized , when you have enough quality to be proud of,
you will not need your pride for people to respect you.
as for him, his pride is all he has.”

My dad lent him money.

The zen master said ,”Drop everything!”
the pupil argued ” But master, I have nothing”.
the master replied , “Then drop your nothing!”

Dealing with insecurity pt 2

I remember during my high school I decided to take a drawing class.
On my first day , to my surprise ,all my class mates are primary school and kindergarten students .
And since they had been there for a long time , they were certainly better than me.

I was so embarrased and decided to quit.
But when I walk out of the door , my teacher said

“You can walk out the door because you are embarrased ,
or you can handle your own feeling and come back to learn.

The moment you decided to retreat .. you will learn nothing . Your own insecurity and pride defeated your passion to learn.
On the other hand , if you challange yourself and come back , not only you’ll learn how to draw , but you will also learn how to defeat yourself ,be humble,
and learn from others who are most unlikely to teach you.
It’s really up to you.”

I come back the next week , and take up the course for almost one year.
And I get uset to asking the primary school kids to teach me how to sketch and use oil colors.

How many times in our lifes our insecurity and pride defeated us in taking up opportunity and doing the right thing?

dealing with insecurity

I remember on one day , I was sitting in a couch , crying while talking to my counselor.
I told her that it is very difficult for me to deal with insecurity,
I always feel threatened by everyone around me.
Many times I ask myself , am I better than them?
If the answer is no, the feeling of insecurity will creep through my heart ,
and turn it bitter. For me , the whole world seems like a competition stage.
I wanted to change and be able to walk down the street
and stop seeing others as competitors.
I wanted to establish an identity which can not be taken.
I promise myself that someday I will be able to stand up on my own ,
and irregardless or what other people think of me ,
or my superficial qualities , I know I am content and loved.

Here what she said to me:

“Well people do feel insecure sometimes..
I do feel insecure about my life in times. I look at my friends and think that they might be earning more money than me.
But after a while , I remind myself that I am feeling insecure and try to chase away the insecurity.

Many times when we see only the small  picture , we tend to place ourselves in certain level . And it makes us prone to insecurity because there will always be people at the higher level.
But what we need to know is that social level emerge due to our contribution to it.
Each and every one of us play a role and contribute to the way the world is today.
If you are able to see yourself as a part of a bigger picture ,
you will be able to play your part willingly . Even though sometimes
your part require giving up your ego for bigger purpose.”

Let us play our part in society and do what it takes.

I am content and loved.

A little praise for me

Even though I work extra hours without extra money incentive .. I was very pleased because they told me I did a fabulous job!

Ohhhhhh……  I would do it for free…. :D :D

They said that women are weak when it comes to praises…. oh well…..

on the crossroad

Apparently.. as my university year is ending , I become less motivated to go to school.
Is it because I never really liked my major?
Maybe. Maybe not.

I keep on thinking that there is something more than the life I am living.
My heart is craving for something ..  like there is a big hole inside of me that is insatiable.
Each activity that I do , all the excitement just vanished the moment I reach my room.
I always feel that there must be something more than doing what I am supposed to do and
spending money on over-commercialized happiness…

My boyfriend said that two main purposes of human life are to grow and to give back to society. That is why he does volunteer work while I devote my life to my own vanity.

Am I growing?
Am I giving back to society?

Are those really two things that will fill this gap inside of me?

What do you guys think?

Feminism in Action

I attended a world bank conference on Economic Opportunities for Woman in Asia Pacific recently.

At first  I have no intention of attending the conference.  But a friend of mine said that they need an event helper  and the payment is really good. So I decided to take the job.
Apparently… I get more that what I expected! I got to meet very interesting remarkable ladies that are willing to share their stories. And as a female , I realized that there is something that all of us  have one thing in common : none of us think that women are inferior to men.

There is a reason we call this place mother earth
They said that practice makes perfect .. so after God practiced creating human by making Adam , He created Eve!

It was an amazing experience , really. I would do it for free.